Last week Bryson suddenly began to stutter. It came out of nowhere and is pretty severe. He will clench his eyes shut and raise his voice in an attempt to get the words out. He has also learned that whispering helps him to speak full words fluently without us teaching him to do so. He’s trying so hard and it’s breaking our hearts. Since my husband is a psychologist and works with speech therapists daily he’s been referring to them for information and has gotten several names of specially trained therapists in our area. We know that some children stutter for a short phase in their life but we also know that Bryson is exhibiting signs that this may not be just a phase. The level of effort he expends trying to speak clearly is a sign that he is really struggling.

It was honestly like this: Bryson goes to bed. Bryson wakes up, sounds a little different today – whispering with a little stutter. End of the next day: Full on stuttering.

We have a pediatrician appointment today and will get our referral for help from her, I assume and then we’ll begin our search for the perfect speech therapist. Our research over the last week shows that the Lidcombe Program is the most effective treatment for stuttering in pre-school aged children but it is unlikely that a speech therapist who works for the state is going to have that training. One option is covered under insurance and the other is likely to cost us quite a bit of money.

There is nothing we wouldn’t pay or do to help him – but money doesn’t grow on trees and being a stay-at-home-mom certainly puts a strain on our bank accounts each month. This is not going to be an easy choice and this is likely not going to be an easy road for Bryson. Please keep him in your thoughts as we seek help for him. He’s already such a shy child and it’s so hard to see him struggle with this.

~C

I dealt a lot with this over the weekend.  Last week I dyed my hair super dark, and that along with showing off my new arm tattoo brought on a ton a different attention than I’m used to.  I’ve always been the sweet girl but over the weekend I got to play sexy rebel.  It was like an Angelina Jolie movie!!!

So put on those 4-inch sexy heels and head out for a girls night out on the town.  Go for that drastic style change you’ve been contemplating for years.  Get out of those sweats and into those skinny jeans and strut your stuff.  Have a date night with your hubby and act & feel like you did before you had kids.

Have fun and let go!  Reclaim the girl you once were or always wanted to be.  And see how a simple outward change can make you feel like a new, revived woman.

S

The first inkling of this came a few days after we returned from my husband’s 40^th birthday cruise in mid June.  We had spent a week with good friends who have 7 and 10 year olds that are so painfully shy that it hurt me to see how uncomfortable they are in the world.  Even after spending a week with them, they hadn’t really opened up.  Then I considered other dear friends who have a 19 month old who has a form of albinism.  Because of her albinism, she has vision issues that keep her in baby sunglasses and away from sunny days on the playground, plus hardships later in life.

Thinking of the hardships some parents go through, I thought in the shower one morning, Tuesday, June 22^nd to be precise, that maybe it would be okay if my husband and I didn’t have children after all.  It was the very first time in my entire life, not just the past 2.5 years, where that thought didn’t make me cry.

And even more recently, I’ve been thinking of the travels we’d like to take in the next few years.  We intend to return to Bali as well as Thailand in 2012.  Suddenly I thought, if we still don’t have children, why not go away for three weeks instead of just two?  Instead of that thought focusing on the depressing fact that we may not have children in another 2.5 years (or ever), it actually exhilarated me to think of fulfilling my dreams to travel the world in depth.

Where all of this ”letting go” is heading, I have no idea.  I’ve been waiting for over a year for the “knowing” to hit me that we should pursue medical intervention or adoption.  But as I still wait for that moment to hit me, I find that I’m getting closer to letting it all just be.  Perhaps that’s just what I need to finally get pregnant.  Or maybe that’s just part of my journey in accepting this particular life circumstance that we’ve been dealt.  Either way, I just might be succeeding in this one little area of the eternal obstacle of letting go that every human being faces in abundant ways.  It can only benefit me and after 2.5 years of heartache, I welcome the peace and acceptance.

S

S

We flew out on Wednesday and we were wrong in thinking that just because we arrived in San Francisco by 1:00 p.m. that we would be able to do some wine tasting that afternoon. It was over two hours before we were able to even get out of the airport. With waiting for our bags and standing in line for an hour to pick up our rental car, we didn’t get to our hotel room until 4:00 p.m.

Since the airlines stopped serving real food on flights all we had eaten during the day was the snack box of chips, raisins and almonds on the plane. When we finally got to our hotel all we could think about was going to out to a nice dinner. I did a search for “5 Star Restaurants in Napa Valley” thinking that every time we go to a “5 Star” in our area, it’s never really that expensive but the food is pretty good.

We picked a restaurant that claimed to use food from their own garden and all local wines. The picture online looked quaint and cozy. Imagine our surprise when we arrived and everyone was in suit jackets and the waiters were in a suit themselves.

A waiter brought us our menu and began with, “Mr. and Mrs. X, let me show you what our chef wanted to accomplish with our menu…” We opened it up and almost choked on our tongues at the prices. Our idea of a nice restaurant is spending maybe $150 for the entire meal and a glass or two of wine. This restaurant was that times three. We were trying to keep straight faces and not look like the complete outcasts that we were and silently communicating with each other as to whether we should embarrass ourselves and bolt or suck it up and stay.

In the end, our hunger and realization that we were in a foreign place where food was not easily accessible, won out and we decided to stay and hope for the best. Well, we got the best. The food was absolutely AMAZING. Every single bite was the best thing I’d ever tasted and the wine was incredible.

When our check came my husband looks at me and says, “You know that bonus we got with our credit card that we were going to use as our spending money on this trip? We just spent it.”

Flash forward a bit, as we are driving back to our hotel from the restaurant: My husband had quite a bit more to drink than I did since I was driving. I was pushing half of my wine to him throughout dinner so I was not surprised when he told me he had to pee.

Of course, we were in the middle of back country roads and there was no public restroom in sight so we did the classy thing: We pulled over on the side of the road. Once he was out of the car I gave him his privacy and didn’t pay attention to what he was doing. After a few minutes had passed he climbs back into the car and exclaims, “Look at my hand!”

He had this incredibly nasty looking slime going down the palm of his hand and I immediately asked him what happened.

His response: ” A slug jumped out at me!”

Me: “A slug jumped out at you?”

Husband: “I took one step and fell down the cliff.”

Me: “OMG! You fell down the cliff? Are you ok?”

Husband: “Look at my hand!”

Apparently, he stepped out of the car and just walked right over the cliff that was near our car. Thankfully, he was able to grab onto a tree trunk but on his way back he put his hand right onto a huge slug. Hence, the slime on his hand.

Somehow this just seemed like it fit with the rest of evening and we began cracking up. We laughed hysterically all the way back to the hotel. It was definitely a night we will never forget. I give it 5 Stars.

~C

I consider myself extremely lucky to live in an age where technology has made it possible for me to connect with amazing souls all across the United States and even the world.  Ten years ago this became vital to my very existence as I dealt with severe depression issues and confusion after leaving the cult-like religion of my upbringing and losing every friend and family member I ever had.  It was an online community that proved to be my salvation.  They shared my same story, helped me to deprogram myself, and gave me back a sense of family and belonging.  I gained friendships not only in my own backyard, but also from England, Australia and South Africa.

Ten years ago this was still a relatively new phenomenon.  Nowadays, there are thousands of websites available for the sole purpose of making online friends or finding a love match.  Forum Boards covering a multitude of topics abound, providing a way to find like-minded people who share your same passions whether they be games, lifestyle choices, or career paths.  Different minorities or those who’ve weathered some trauma in their lives can easily find those rare individuals who completely understand what they’re going through because they are or have lived it too.  People can find support and share intimate and troubling things about themselves while keeping anonymity.  The huge success of Facebook alone is a clear indicator of the popularity of online friendships.

And yet, most online friendships stay just there, in a virtual reality.  Many, especially those older than 30, cannot even fathom actually meeting an online friend in person.  Will the friendship in flesh match up to the friendship built in cyberspace?

I’ll let you know as Cindy and I prepare to meet in person for the first time tomorrow.  Nine months ago Cindy found out she would be traveling from the East Coast to Sonoma (an hour north of San Francisco) for a friend’s wedding.  We’ve been counting down the days ever since.  After so much anticipation, so many chats, so many texts, so many emails, and even a few phone calls…we will finally meet a friend we’ve had for years.

From the virtual world to the real world, I have no doubts that Cindy will be a friend for life.  Can’t wait to give her a long-awaited hug tomorrow and to gab like we’ve never been able to before.  Yay!!!!

S

There is nothing more that I love than curling up on my couch or outside in the shade with a great book in my hands. I could spend hours each day reading and would happily do so if I didn’t have two small children to feed, play with and give my love and attention to.

Until a few months ago, I had no idea that my library offered books on audio. Nor did I know that New Hampshire has a whole site, New Hampshire Downloadable Books, dedicated to these audiobooks. At any one time I can have up to three books checked out and they expire two weeks later.

When I first tried this out, I wasn’t sure what to think of it. I went with Twilight on audio because I already knew I loved the book and wouldn’t stop listening to it just because of the voice. Now, I can’t get enough.

I always make sure I have a book on my iPod (some of them allow you to download them to your iPod until they expire) when I am heading out to run errands. I can listen to an entire book within a week and I love the feel of reading even when my life gets so crazy that I don’t have time to pick up one of the many books on my shelf.

Not every book is on my site but there is a good enough variety that it’s keeping me happy. I listen when I’m driving. I listen when I’m cleaning. I listen when I’m doing yardwork. It’s the perfect solution for me to keep my head in a book without neglecting my duties around the house or my children.

If you are interested in listening to audiobooks from your state, check with your local library. They should be able to tell you where to go. Not all states have it unfortunately but I’m hoping yours does.

And one thing I would like to impress upon you – please be honest. If you are listening to audiobooks from the library, please do the right thing and delete them from your iPod or computer when your time is up. Authors work very hard on their books so please give them the respect they deserve.

C

We went to the park and I just let them run loose for a few hours. They loved the slides and seesaw were very sweet to one another. I think it did all of us some good and both boys took a great nap when we got home. It’s days like today that make me wonder why I don’t do this more often.

Here are a few of the pictures I took of them:

My baby boy is walking now! Can you see my proud mommy smile from over there?

C

Our gathering last night was a lovefest.  In some instances, we share similar stories.  But in all cases, we understand at a core level each others emotions left over from our life experiences.  We are crystal clear mirrors for each other.  We have found sisters in wisdom, which allows us to be brave in our admissions and ready to be the safe place for others too.

And all this in just six total monthly meetings!  With most of the women not knowing everyone else when we started.  Our hearts raced in excitement at the thought of how even more cohesive and meaningful our Circle will be after 5, 20, and hopefully 40 years together!

Last night my dear friend Allie led our Circle.  Through no intent of her own, she has become the Oracle of our group.  While we all have abundant wisdom to share, Allie often and succinctly dishes out the purest forms of it.  She told us of a poem that she has read for many years but never “got”.  That is until very recently:

‘Circles’  ~by Hafiz

 

The moon is most happy

When it is full.

 

And the sun always looks

Like a perfectly minted gold coin

 

That was just Polished

And placed in flight

By God’s playful Kiss.

 

And so many varieties of fruit

Hang plump and round

 

From braches that seem like a Sculptor’s hands.

 

I see the beautiful curve of a pregnant belly

Shaped by a soul within,

 

And the Earth itself,

And the planets and the Spheres-

 

I have gotten the hint:

 

There is something about circles

The Beloved likes.

 

Within the Circle of a Perfect One

There is an Infinite Community

of Light.

So Saturday around 11:30 am my husband kindly kicked me to the Intercontinental curb and our 30+ hours of Sex and The City girl time began.  We went shopping in Union Square (we all bought the exact same earrings), had lunch over two bottles of wine, had another two bottles at another restaurant, shopped some more (I got the sexiest Aldo shoes!), ordered room service for dinner as we primped (and drank more wine), danced our booties off at a club, and came back to more room service and non-stop laughter until 3:00 am.  Then we continued it the next day too!

I’ve always been a little envious of those Sex and The City girls.  Yes the storylines are fantastical and even completely unbelievable, but it’s always been the strength of their friendship that touched me.  Although I’ve been gaining wonderful new friendships with women over the last few years, I have never had one of those Sex and The City moments with a number of girls at the same time.  So to have an entire weekend of those moments was a real treat.

We laughed until we snorted and our bellies hurt, cried as we felt each others pain, encouraged each other to be the amazing women we all see, and supported each other through past & future trials.  We experienced everything from downright frivolity to extreme seriousness about monumental life changes. 

And we’re hooked!  We’ve already made room in our calendars for October 1-2 for the next girls weekend.  Maybe one day we’ll all echo Samantha’s words, “We made a deal ages ago…men, babies, doesn’t matter.  We’re soulmates.” 

S